lean back

I went to Wesley tonight. (The Wesley Foundation at UGA)

Like staking a tent in the ground to give us cover, to protect us, I find myself going to the places that feel like home to ground me. They make me feel safe. They remind me who I am. At the core, isn't that all faith is? To remember? God calls the Israelites to remember the exodus, the covenant, the promise. We as Christians we remember the cross. We remember not recreate unauthentic experiences but to feel again. We remember to experience again. I return to the places where I worshiped: places where I was the one who God created me to be in the most profound ways. Wesley was one of those places in my life.

Wesley is a place for me where the worship felt like warm fuzzies and butterflies from a new relationship. I learned so much about my faith. It is where I learned what worship really was. It was where I was first led in worship. It was the place that I first felt free in worship. These are all the fun characteristics found in a growing new relationship of substance. Even though I had been a Christian for years, I began to have a real deep and lasting relationship with the Lord at Wesley.

Last night I had a different experience. It didn't feel like butterflies and giddiness. Instead I had a different feeling. Worship felt like the safety of longstanding relationship. It felt like I was leaning back, doubled over in laughter over a reminiscent story. Safe and secure and satisfied. There was history between us that no one in the room knew, but was still present. The backdrop had changed almost completely. We were in a new facility, with a new band, (all of whom were in elementary school when I started at Wesley), new chairs, and new songs. I didn't know anyone in the crowd. I know only a handful of staff, and yet it was the same. The same Spirit I had come to know there 10+ years ago still reigned. The organic nature of Spirit led worship still permeated every aspect of the service.

I was only distracted by one thing. The carpet in the Tate Center is textured and the carpet at the Wesley Chapel was not. My feet couldn't get on board with what the rest of my body was enjoying. It was a sensory memory quirk that made me smile. Praise God for the growth in numbers of those participating at Wesley while the integrity of the ministry has been maintained.

May you take note of the moments in your life when God is so near that it feels like leaning back in familiar laughter.

Soundtrack: Closer, Charlie Hall

tumbleweed

I haven't written anything for a couple of days, and I am glad to say that feels wrong. I am glad to say I have gotten used to the habit of writing on a regular basis. I don't have a real good reason why I haven't spent time with my computer, but I do have at least a dozen or so thin reasons. Let's just call them excuses. I am sick, and it is difficult to be productive when I don't feel well. I realize how spoiled and lazy I am when my routine is thrown off in the slightest. I have other things on my mind, and my heart is heavy from accidentally offending some close friends. Miscommunication, particularly here in the blogeshpere, can throw a major wrench into life. It seems despite my hyper-communicative behaviors, I am still susceptible to significant miscommunication. I want to be spending time with my family. I want to play with my nieces. I wasted, in the best way, hours talking with my brother earlier in the break. And, to be honest, I feel entitled to a vacation. I feel entitled to slide by. I need to get lost in worship at Wesley. School work looms. It's one thing on top of another. There's not enough time. There's never enough time. How revealing of our character change is in our life, even when it is temporary! I was shocked at how little the major changes in my life affected me. Yet, here I am. I have learned to love my little Wilmore routine. I didn't realize how helpful it had been for me to put my life in Conyers behind me until it was in my face again. The truth is, I don't have it all figured out. I am poor and needy. I am weak and in need of a savior. I need the rock of Christ in my life or else I will tumble in the tide of this world. Christ have mercy on me, a sinner in need of grace. I am glad that I recognize I need the Lord in my life. No matter how neat I think my world is, it is still a wreck without Jesus.

Soundtrack: Amazing Grace (My chains are gone), Chris Tomlin

The Word

Sometimes the Lord says it for you. Sometimes Scripture speaks volumes. When you are hungry for something to which to cling, He sends a word. Today:

Deuteronomy 8:2-3a
Remember the long way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, in order to humble you, testing you to know what was in your heat, whether or not you would keep his commandments. He humbled you by letting you hunger, then by feeding you with manna...

Psalm 86:1-5
Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

There are days and situations that feel like it is all just too much to manage. I am extended beyond my own ability to manage all that is on my plate in this moment, and I am hungry for reprieve. I am weary. I am in need of manna. I call on the Lord, believing there is relief in Him.

Soundtrack: Speak to Me, Rebbecca St. James

worship

There's nothing more to say.

Soundtrack: The Wonderful Cross

Portion

We celebrate the Eucharist every Wednesday during chapel. I enjoy Wednesday chapels. Communion is a different experience when the worshipping body is full of people preparing for ministry. Intentionality rests in the open spaces. The mystery rests heavily on the congregation. I watch people during Communion, and this is not a new practice. I have always watched as people leave the kneeling rail. I think the facial expressions we hold after taking in the body and blood of Christ tells a lot about where we are in our spiritual life. As a child I remember observing how many people were picking the wafer out of their teeth while walking down the aisle. So, I watch. We face the table, and J. D. lifts high the bread and wine. Many of the students have the order of worship memorized, so there is this great sense that the congregation genuinely understands what is happening. I often grieve that the church is passive about this sacrament. OK, I often grieve that the Protestant Church is passive about sacrament in general. But, here, I sense a unity in understanding of the greatness of Communion. We use the intinction method, and each server holds both bread and wine. This means that the individual takes the bread off the loaf and dips it into the juice while the server stands there holding the elements. I was watching today as people took their portion. I remember serving Communion as a youth minister, and the portion that kids break off varies significantly. Adults typically take modest pieces. Here, the portion that people take is almost always significantly larger than what adults usually break off. I can hear the hearts of my peers say as they break the bread off, "I want more of You, Jesus. I want as much of You as I can take." Over and over again, the students step forward and break off a generous portion. It's beautiful. We remember our brokenness in the brokenness of Jesus. We accept the healing and wholeness that the cross offers. Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again.

Soundtrack: How Beautiful, Twila Paris

Prayers and Meditations, St. Anselm

Almighty God, merciful Father, and my good Lord... give me heart-piercing goodness and humility; discerning abstinence and mortification of the flesh. Help me to love you and pray to you, praise you and meditate upon you. May I act and think in all things according to your will, purely, soberly, devoutly, and with a true and effective mind. Let me know your commandments, and love them, carry them out readily, and bring them into effect. Always, lord, let me go on with humility to better things and never grow slack.

Prayers and Meditations, St. Anselm

We have a reader that is a part of the "Common Text Project." The concept is that those participating in the Asbury community would regularly be spending time meditating on the same scripture and other devotional material. I really enjoy interacting with the reader. I think the team that puts it together really impacts the spiritual direction of the campus.

This prayer was a part of the reading for today. I don't think I've ever read it before, and it struck me with an attitude of significant abandonment. St. Anselm is casting off all that distracts from Christ, and clinging to that which draws him into that relationship. I love the fullness of St. Anselm's devotion to the Lord. Clearly, this is a prayer of someone interested in a comprehensively integrated life of faith. He considers prayer an opportunity for reverence. Sometimes the pendulum swings in different perspectives. Our current generation has a familiarity with God in prayer that is beautiful and adds to the Kingdom of God. However, I can't help but wonder if we have lost the reverence in which prayer has been experienced in years past.

Soundtrack: In the Secret

Donald Miller

Donald Miller spoke at a major church near by this weekend. I went to hear him Sunday morning and then went back Sunday night for a Q & A. Donald Miller wrote a book that influenced my life, and I would love to be his friend. His literary voice is similar to mine. It was an honor to hear him speak in person.

During his talk he said, "God is perfectly satisfied with Adam experiencing the conflict of needing a helpmate." Something was off, man was in need. The world was good, not perfect. All of this occurred before the fall. God is OK with us struggling. God is fine with us experiencing tension. God sees value in our dissatisfaction. He is OK with the uncomfortable. There is something of strength and grace in that moment that makes it teachable. He doesn't leave us there, but He lets us soak up the truth, the uniqueness of that moment.

I am reminded of cabin time with my Young Life girls. After asking the difficult question I would often just sit in the quiet, in the tension. I believe that the Lord can minister more in the silence than I can in a thousand words. When God brings us to that moment that feels painfully uncomfortable and we want to rush ahead to the pay off; let us revel in the awkward, the quiet, the unspoken, even if it is for a very short time. Let us appreciate what is particularly great about the anticipation.

The good news is that God didn't leave Adam alone. He didn't leave him in the quiet darkness. He provided exactly what Adam needed, all in due time. God seems to enjoy this teaching tool. It's what we find in the time frame between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. The quiet of that weekend makes the Sunday rejoice, "Up from the Grave He Arose!" all the more exuberant!

Soundtrack: Somewhere Past the Quiet, Bebo Norman

airports functioning in spiritual formation

I am currently stuck at the Lexington Airport. As far as airports go, this one falls short. Airports are great places to hang out when they are as big as Atlanta, Chicago, or any other major city. There is 1 bar and 1 souvenir shop and not much else. It does have free Wi-Fi, so I am thankful for the opportunity to blog.

This week 3 of my 4 nieces have had birthdays, and they have a planned birthday party for tomorrow. I intended to go home and celebrate with them. It is apparently spring break, and flights are full to the brim. Additionally, it is raining in Atlanta, which means that flights EVERYWHERE are delayed. To add an extra complication to the mix the second flight I should have been on now had a mechanical malfunction causing it to cancel. All of that means that it is unrealistic to think I am getting out of Lexington today, and unlikely that I am going home this weekend.

I have had some hours to observe those around me. It is amazing how we reveal our character when we are put in frustrating situations. Americans are simply addicted to entitlement. We are addicted to "me." Some people are managing, and some are having a significant increase in blood pressure. There is a man sitting in front of me that is redder than a tomato, and I am a little scared for his health. Is there anything that deserves that kind of response? All of the changes today in planes and flight plans are safety related. Ultimately, air travel is risky, and I am grateful for the wisdom of air traffic control. I only want to be on a plane if the circumstances are right. I am hearing my heart rejoice for the great opportunity I was given as a child to be in this very situation over and over again. We have flown stand-by my whole life. It taught me to be grateful for the blessings I am given because they aren't guaranteed. It taught me to put people (customers) first. It taught me to be patient. It taught me to be spontaneous, which I am sure makes it easier for me to be sensitive to the Spirit. Being in the midst of difficult situations can change your integrity. The more you find your identity and joy in the eternal, the easier it is to find peace in changing circumstances.

Incidentally, the gate agent working right now is amazing. She is firm and kind. She is helpful and resolute. She is managing the situation like a pro.

It is unfortunate that I will probably not get to celebrate with my nieces this weekend, but it is not the end of the world. I have loved on them enough that I can trust our relationship is firm. I wish I could hug them, but my world doesn't end if I can't.

May you find yourself in circumstances that cause you to remember that this world is temporal.

Soundtrack: Waiting on the World to Change, John Mayer

dancing, freedom and theology

"To learn to dance one must take that first step, even if awkwardly. Good theology is more than a tome or a string of good sentences. It is a way of dancing an embodied activity of the human spirit in a community embodying life in Christ. Learning to live in God's presence is something like learning to dance; it is not best learned merely by reading books" (Oden, p. 193).
Dancing has been on my mind since the sock hop on Friday. (Yes, we had a sock hop.) I like this illustration. I am taken back to the days as a middle school girl learning cheerleading dances. I remember that it took time and effort to get the "steps" right, but after I knew the routine correctly, I experienced a freedom and a joy like I had never known. One drumchant stays with me to this day. I will remember this dance until the day I die. Learning it and teaching it for four years in high school made it a permenant part of my life. There is something so free about knowing the method enough to let go of it. I do not naturally have the best rhythm, but I have spent enough time dancing in my life that I know that feeling of freedom. It is easier for me to feel the music because I have invested time and spent energy in dance. I know how to feel the music and let go. It didn't come easy, but it was worth it. I imagine the impulse is similar for a musician. Learning where the particulars of form makes the learning of an instrument worth the while.
Similarly, it is thrilling to then be the teacher. Anytime I have ever taught someone a dance I have found it to be an utterly enjoyable experience. The moment that they stop thinking steps or moves and start feeling the music I share in their freedom. It's like opening the cage for a bird. What joy it is to participate in someone else's experience of liberation!
That is my prayer. I want to know theology; I want to know God. I want to have practiced and studied the ways to worship God well enough that in all circumstances I can let go and just be uninhibited in it. Knowing God is kind of like being a well rounded dancer. Let's be honest, knowing how to do middle school cheer leading dances does not make me a comprehensive dancer, but a professional dancer would have studied all types of dance. May I seek to learn comprehensive ways of knowing our God. I pray that the more I learn the method the freer I will become to just feel the movement.
Soundtrack: Knowing You, Passion and Freedom, Darrell Evans, and Wild Thing, Tone-Loc (note: this is the song of the drum chant)

Watching my (Kirk's) life flame before me (him)

My brother is a missionary, and he is changing fields this week, moving from Accra, Ghana to Oxford, England. He and his family, particularly my two young nephews, have been on my heart recently. Transition can be difficult, but I believe it helps us to cling to the eternal as we watch the temporal whirl around us. I rejoice in the work that God is doing in their lives. Sometimes to share the depth of our love for people we have to enter into their story. This is his story today:

“Watching our lives flash before us” has become a cliché to say we have had a close call with death. Of course, some people actually have faces and memories flash before them as they are reminded of what is important in their lives, but rarely do we have sort of a record of our lives unfold like a rolodex or a video on super fast forward.

Picture this...at about 8:30 in the morning, I went out to an open space near my house, and I began to open up garbage bag after garbage bag to burn papers for about eight hours in the heat and humidity of a sunny day in tropical Accra. Nicole and I had been fortunate in the fact that we able to ship some possessions along with a few other families over to Africa when we moved here, but as many people do when they move, a lot of the boxes of our memories and files became boxes we would deal with when we had time—you know when we would get “there.” Perhaps you have moved and simply taken a filing cabinet or a box of hand written notes and said, “When I have time…” Now, we are moving from Ghana, and besides a very small handful of boxes of pictures and books, we are planning on leaving the country with the allotted two suitcases at 50 pounds each. I cannot describe the freedom I feel from liquidating our stuff. In looking at what I will pack in my two bags, I am incredibly limited to what I will be allowed to keep.

Unfortunately, papers that are not tied to immigration, identity, or my schooling just are not at the top of the list, and I have been forced to sort and eliminate just about all of them. Yes, I had saved all types of things. Fee paid cards from my time in college. Bank statements. Bulletins from my first church. A phone list of fellow employees from my first job. Church directories. And yes, those nice notes people had written me to tell me how great of a guy I am!

I wish I could have kept some of them, but being limited in what I can keep, I had to discard most of them. Of course, I would have loved to have simply put these items in the garbage, but this would have been unwise because of Africa’s own “recycling program” whereby people sort through your garbage. Whether it is the neighborhood children, the guys who come with the truck, or the people who actually pick through it at the landfill, anything that is reusable will be reused. I just could not risk putting anything personal in the garbage as I know it will pass through the hands of others. And for those who are conscious about the carbon footprint of a fire, I had brought a paper shredder to Ghana, but it did not survive the conversion to 220 electricity!

So back to our picture of me standing by a fire in scorching heat. In order to make sure my documents were securely destroyed, I had to personally stand over and feed my nineteen Hefty bags of papers to the flames. Memories galore! As I put one stack in, I had to “deal” with the memories of that season in my life. At moments, I realized I needed to forgive certain people, and at others, I was able to thank God for special relationships. I found myself in a Brother Lawrence day of constant prayer. Throughout the day, I was also sensing the Lord remind me of how life is brief and how God is eternal. Being in a less liturgical environment, I missed participating or leading an Ash Wednesday service this year. Incidentally, my Lenten season has been solidified by the memories of releasing and serving Jesus with only my “staff, one tunic, and my sandals” (Mark 6:8). In a serendipitous moment, I found a palm frond from a previous Palm Sunday I had saved for a future Ash Wednesday. As the palm went up in flames, it was if the Lord was speaking to me in a manifest way: “Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

*Most of this post is taken from a Note that Kirk wrote on Facebook this morning. Join me in lifting them up to the Lord this week!

Soundtrack: Consuming Fire, Third Day

I am not famous

In case you didn't get a chance to read them when they published back in the day, these are the links to the articles (minus 1) that I have written:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/1994-four-easy-steps-to-proposal

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/books/reviews/3311-review-the-secret-message-of-jesus

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/mission/features/2323-my-trip-to-ghana

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/mission/features/2329-my-trip-to-ghana-part-two

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/destinations/2008-07-24-travel-horror-stories_N.htm?loc=interstitialskip

Soundtrack: Not to Us, Chris Tomlin

Jill Time

I have hit the wall, the people wall. I have worn a hat 2 days in a row, and that is a good sign that I want to be alone. I have really enjoyed being in seminary and meeting the plethora of new and genuinely interesting people. Simply put, Asbury is a hyper-community. We eat together, we share bedrooms, we share bathrooms, we share playtime, we share studies, we share our lives. And I LOVE being in community. I think that we get to know the breadth of the love of Christ by watching Him loves others, watching others love Him, and watching Him in the way we love each other. I have learned a lot about my new friends and a lot about our country subsequently. However, I am spent. I learned a long time ago that for me to be the extrovert "people-person" that wants to draw people in, I have to have plenty of alone time. While I have been intentional about finding little snippets of time here and there, I have not had enough. When I worked for Dr. Kuhn, I would come home and curl up in my room for a couple of hours a night. When I was at Glenn's 6 nights a week, I would study alone during the afternoons. But, here, I don't have a great place for sanctuary. I have a great place for time with the Lord, which is most important, but finding space to just be has been difficult. My coffee shops have often been my safe space, and that is where I am now. But, Main and Maple is a hot bed for social interaction. In fact, there are 3 other students here now. Luckily, students are pretty good about leaving each other alone here. It is precisely this alone time that has shaped me into the confident lady that I am. Without time to be and to be satisfied with who I am apart from relationships I would not be capable of investing abandonly in the people that I love. Rob Bell talks about how amped up he is after a Sunday of preaching. He says that it takes him a couple of days to come down from the adrenaline high it gives him. He crashes on Wednesdays. Recognizing that rhythm in his life has afforded him the opportunity to seek God's control over the highs and the lows. Similarly, I have learned to recognize when I need to unplug from community and be reminded who I am. I like me. I like hanging out with Jill. So, I'm gonna take some time and do just that.

Soundtrack: Independant Women, Destiny's Child

What I'm learning about prayer with Dr. Kalas

The Asbury House of Prayer asked Dr. Kalas to teach on what he has been learning about prayer. These are my notes:

Intellect is not the measure of prayer.

"She took ownership of the room. She knew God and God knew her."

There should be a certain time of the day that you do business with God. I think it ought to be in the morning.

So I changed my prayer life, and it wasn't hard to change.

Prayer should humble you, not humiliate you.

It reminds you who is God and who is not when you kneel.

I have come to love the smell of leather.

Prayer is a friendship with God.

Apostate for the anonymous- Praying for those whom no one is praying.

Conversational Prayer

"What if there are some things that God can't do or won't do unless we pray." - quoting Maxie Dunnam

I believe God expects me to pray.

God does things in this world cooperatively with us.

I pray for things to be done expecting for things to done.

Prayer puts me on God's side.

Prayer out loud is the most intimate thing you can do with your spouse.

Jesus would walk away from people that needed to be healed to do business with the Father.

Isometrics of prayer- pitting your spiritual muscles against themselves. Instead of letting something bother you, pray about it.

She wasn't asking God to be there; She knew He was there. Whether or not God was going to be there had been settled between the two of them.

You can make a space sacred.

We have been so scared of superstition (in the Protestant Church) that we miss out on the opportunity for the sacred.

Soundtrack: Livin' on a Prayer, Bon Jovi

Three in One, the great Mystery

"No sooner do I conceive of the One that I am illumined by the Splendor of the Three; no sooner do I distinguish Them than I am carried back to the one. When I think of any One of the Three I think of Him as the Whole, and my eyes are filled, and the greater part of what I am thinking escapes me. I cannot grasp the greatness of That One so as to attribute a greater greatness to the Rest. When I contemplate the Three together, I see but one torch, and cannot divide or measure out the Undivided Light." (Gregory Nazianus, Orat. 40, 41, On Holy Baptism)

We are discussing the mystery of the Trinity in one of my classes right now, and I think this quote really speaks to the heart of how we should interact with the Triune God that we worship. Until we are humbled by the greatness of God, we are incapable of submitting to Him. However, that does not mean that we should abandon our pursuit of the the knowledge of the Holy, but instead we should let what we discover rightly grant us the appropriate posture necessary for worshipping the only One worthy. Gregory's inability to hold both concepts of God's threeness and His oneness at the same time illustrates how profoundly more God is than us. The mystery of God testifies to His worthiness. Praise be God, Father Son and Holy Spirit!

Soundtrack: Trinity, Jennifer Knapp