identity crisis

I have worn black to church every Sunday for the last four weeks. My bulldogs aren't doing well this year, and I wear black to mourn our loss the night before. I am a loyal fan. I am an alumna. Rooting for, fighting for, believing in the bulldogs is a part of my identity. (As much as anything temporal can be.) I will be a bulldog until the day I die. Proudly. We could loose every game from now until that day, and I would still tune in and cheer for my team. I would continue to celebrate the successes, no matter how minor, and mourn our losses no matter how major. Loyalty runs deep when you find yourself in the SEC. This commitment is the kind of loyalty that changes behavior, shapes values, and affects my mood.

On any given Sunday in the south you will find some pastor making the comparison of football as a religion because of the deep truth to it. We can rightly affirm that everything about a Saturday at Sanford Stadium is religious. From tailgating, wearing red and black, to ringing the victory bell; we have a liturgy, and it is followed religiously. I am pretty sure we could call the day my New Student Orientation leader had our group call the dawgs on the steps of the Tate Student Center in the shadows of Sanford Stadium a ritual of initiation.

As I reflect on the disappointment I have experienced this season I recognize similar reactions, feelings, and responses in my person to disappointments that I have had in my spiritual life.

We are given a new identity in Christ when we give our lives over to him. What happens when things do not follow the pattern we expected? What happens when we are disappointed by our God? Have we allowed the identity to so form us that our faith remains? Can we believe that there are no circumstances that could rock the foundation of our commitment to the Lord? Does your relationship with the Lord change your behavior, shape your values, and affect your feelings?

As I look back over this I am burdened to point out that I am not advocating for absolute blind faith, but instead I am encouraging us to walk in the faith that we have. I trust the submission of our lives to the Lord came with an appropriate season of testing and critical analysis. I wasn't born a UGA fan, but once I chose to be a bulldog, there was no turning back. That means I take the good with the bad as a fan, but as a Christian, true faith is commitment to the point of martyrdom if necessary, to singleness if necessary, to poverty if necessary, to disappointment if necessary. Faith is giving up one's own identity to join Jesus even to the cross for the sake of the world.

Soundtrack: Who let the dogs out, Baha Men; Glory Glory; & Sending, Charlie Hall.

three times the charm

Three times this week this passage has crossed my path:

Mark 10:46-52 NRSV

They came to Jericho. As he and his disciples and a large crowd were leaving Jericho, Bartimaeus, son of Timaeus, a blind beggar was sitting by the roadside. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout out and say, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” Many sternly ordered him to be quiet, but he cried out even more loudly, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Jesus stood still and said, “Call him here.” And they called the blind man, saying to him,“Take heart, get up, he is calling you.” So throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus. Then Jesus said to him, “What do you want me to do for you?” The blind man said to him, “My teacher, let me see again.” Jesus said to him, “Go; your faith has made you well.” Immediately he regained his sight and followed him on the way.

I have a way of stopping and paying attention when the Lord brings a passage of scripture into my life, particularly when he does it in triplicate. I have a way of stopping and paying attention when the Lord does anything in my life in triplicate. It's kind of hard to ignore or to pass off as coincidence.

I am taking Inductive Bible Study on the book of Mark, and we recently did a book survey. I spent some extra time with this passage as I considered how Mark employed the use of Jesus as "teacher" in his gospel. Then, Tuesday night in my lyric and theology class another student used this story as the basis of his song. Then today during Vocation of Ministry we read this passage when we were doing Lectio Divina in our small group. So, I'm paying attention.

The part that really jumps out at me immediately is that the blind man sprang up to Jesus. He knew who Jesus was, and was moved to exuberance. He was compelled to respond. No, not just respond. Do you see him, the eagerness? I see him leaping up. He probably stumbled getting over to Jesus. He was blind, you know. But the sense of abandonment and urgency compelled him.

And, I find it difficult to ignore the fact that Bartimaeus threw off his cloak. Anytime someone gets naked in the Bible i am intrigued. Not that I am advocating for nudity in church, mind you, but what would happen if encountering Christ meant that we let go of everything that covered up our shame? What if we let go of the things we put on to cover up ourselves? What if our hearts were naked before the Lord... So that when he asks us, "What do you want from me?" We can be real. What if we could be honest with the Lord about what we really want? What if we were aware of our brokenness in such an honest way?

In some private time with the Lord today he reminded me of my place in this passage. He reminded me that my prayer life regularly includes the phrase, "Have Mercy!" In fact, it may be the phrase that I write most frequently in my journal. You see, I know enough to know that I continue to find myself awake in the world that knew Lost Jill. Jill without Jesus resided on earth, and without HIM in my life everyday, I am still that person. I depend on His mercy for each day.

This of course gave way for new considerations of this passage. I find myself at a stage in life where I am actively responding to the call of God on my life. And, there are parts of that call that I find myself crying out to the Lord even louder for mercy. I need him to show up. He invites me closer, and I let go of the things that cover my shame to earnestly ask Him what I want. He is faithful, and He will make me whole in every way that I desire. This is our God.

I have spent time in my life wondering if I wasted years between college and seminary. I wondered if I missed something by needing the excursion. Here's what Tomlin says,

A refuge for the poor
A shelter from the storm,
This is our God.

He will wipe away your tears
And return your wasted years.
This is our God.


He's the God that wastes nothing!

Soundtrack: This is our God, Chris Tomlin

discipleship

My brother took his daughters to Disney World this week. The twins (Ella/Emma) are 5, having just started kindergarten, Ava is 3 and 1/2 (the 1/2 is important), and Allie will be 2 this week. They are at great ages to enter into the world of make-believe and story telling that Disney does so well. I forced my sister in law to post pictures of the trip ASAP because I would have LOVED to have been there when Ella met Cinderella or Emma plunged down Thunder Mountain. I have looked through them several times now, and something jumped out at me. Allie looks in one of 2 directions in pictures. 1 straight toward the camera like the ham her mother and aunt are or 2. toward her sisters. I can't help but consider what this says about our nature when we are most teachable and when we are most vulnerable. She had been thrust into a different world, quite literally, and in that space needed a point of reference. She needed to find what felt like home. She needed to feel safe while enjoying the newness. So, she looked toward her big sisters who have served as teachers and comforters in the 24 months of her life. Her eyes seem to ask a thousand questions: Is this OK? Why does everything look so different? Why are you so excited? Can you tell me that I'm safe? Why are we waiting so long? Why are you tired? What are we going to do next? When do we go home? How do I take some of this home with me?

What does that say about discipleship? Who are we looking toward as we navigate our journey with the Lord? When do we look at them? Are we in situations that feel foreign enough to need a reference point? Are you uncomfortable? Do you have people that the Lord uses to give you a sense of safety when you don't feel safe?








Soundtrack: It's a Small World Afterall

intimacy

Today was Convocation, and it was hectic. Some convocation services can best be described as frivolous and over indulgent. (I have never attended an ATS convocation service, so that comment is not a reflection on any institution. Rather, it is a comment on all convocation services around the world.) The prayer over today was that all that was done in Estes would capture our attention toward the vastness and greatness of our God. I believe that was accomplished.

I could talk about Dr. Tennent's sermon which embodied the direction of this institution, Missional Holiness. But, you really should just listen to it yourself.

http://www.asburyseminary.edu/chapel/kentucky-chapel Follow the instructions there. It may not be up yet, but check back in until you get a chance to listen.

I could talk about how overwhelmed I am that I get to do this. I get to worship in Estes 3 days a week. I get to participate in the execution of that worship. I get to use my gifts, the quirky culmination of how God created me, to His glory in the most satisfying ways.

I could talk about the thunderous roll of the organ.

But instead, I want to tell you about this little moment that I saw. I know other people saw it, but it was too good to keep to myself. Following Dr. Tennent's address we sang a new Hymn by the talented and humble Julie Tennent, Dr. Tennent's wife. It too was titled Missional Holiness. This is a team that shares a vision. She brought melody and he brought power to the vision and calling that they share. When we were completing the last stanza he looked over at her and just raised his eyebrows with a goofy grin. She smiled and dropped her head. The intimacy of their love for one another as it serves the Lord took my breath. Beautiful. The Lord created us to enjoy THIS kind of intimacy. May it be so in your life and in mine!

Soundtrack: Missional Holiness, Julie Tennent

Do This... The Meal is the Mission

One of my absolute favorite things about community life here at Asbury is the Reader. We join together and read scripture through a devotional during Kingdomtide and Lent. When I was taking classes online in Conyers, this was one of the things that made me feel connected to Wilmore, and as a writer I find the power of words, not just words but scripture, binding us together to be comforting. I have long believed that the written word holds a unique power in that it can minister despite time and space. For instance, YOU can participate in the Common Text Project with me even if you are in NYC; Oxford, England; Conyers, Georgia; Flowery Branch, Georgia; or Carmichaels, PA. As we prepare to return to school we are rolling out the Fall Reader which is titled Do This: The Meal is the Mission. I hope it is as a powerful a blessing to you as it has been to me. The posts will appear everyday at 12:01 am.

To join me in this journey. You can read it daily at:


http://www.asburyreader.com/


or, follow the link on that page to order a copy. I assure you that you will be blessed.


If a twittersized portion is all you can take follow us at:


http://twitter.com/Twiturgy


Soundtrack: My Drink, Charlie Hall

Holy.

Holy.



There is only one word. There is only one truth.



Holy.



He is.



He is Holy.



We can spend, no waste, all of our lives simply begining to want to think about his Holiness, and be fortunate to fail. The smoke fills the temple, and when we turn towards the temple, we can't help but be affected by it.



Nothing in Him is apart from His Holiness.



All that we know; all that we can't know is in His Holiness.



Justice is really just another way of saying God is Holy.



Love is an expression of the fact that God is Holy.



Grace exist because He is.



Holy.



He is Holy.



Holy.



Wholly what I am not. Wholly what I don't deserve. Wholly what I need.



Holy.



He is Holy.



Holy.



Soundtrack: Unchanging, Chris Tomlin

thanksgiving

I took Sacramental Theology with Dr. Robert Stamps and Dr. James Hart the second week of August. Luckily we had a paper in that class, so I won't bore you with ALL of my geeked-out thoughts and reflections from the material. However, it affected me and my understanding of who we are as Christians and what it means to worship the triune God in a continuous wave of inspiration. I find that this paradigm shift continues to bring new light to scripture, the activity of worship, and the way I frame my thoughts about God. Expect to continue to hear about this class over the next few months.

We read Alexander Schmemann's For the Life of the World. He said, " When man stands before the throne of God, when he has fulfilled all that God has given him to fulfill, when all sins are forgiven, all joy restored, then there is nothing else for him to do but to give thanks. Eucharist (thanksgiving) is the state of perfect man. Eucharist is the life of paradise. Eucharist is the only full and real response of man to God's creation redemption and gift of heaven. But this perfect man who stands before God is Christ."

Is that what you are thinking when going forward at communion? Are you thankful? Are you ever mindful of the cross? What would the church look like if we stopped trying to make worship about us? Why are we so preoccupied with the musical aspect of worship? What would happen if we became preoccupied with the proper way to celebrate the Eucharist? How would that attitude of thanksgiving permate the way we live our lives the rest of the week? Is it possible that our misunderstanding of the sacraments has led to a decline in the faithfulness of Christians? How does a low view of the Eucharist affect our theology? Grace requires a response, and thankfully we have a guide in how to respond to God’s grace through the sacraments. As we, the body of believers, respond the good news appropriately go forth, the faithful are strengthened and the lost drawn to Him.



Soundtrack: Priceless Treasure, Charlie Hall and Give Thanks to the Lord, Wesley Praise Band



Backpack:
Worship, Community & The Triune God of Grace; James Torrance
The Sacraments in Protestant Practice and Faith; James F. White
For the Life of the World, Alexander Schmeman
The Altar's Fire; Daniel B. Stevick

awareness of his presence

A friend told me a story this week. She said that she saw a couple planning to marry on a morning talk show. When they were pulling together childhood pictures for the obligatory slide show for the rehearsal dinner, the bride noticed something quite unexpected. There in the background of her posing at Disney World stood her now groom to be. The man with whom she would spend the rest of her life stood feet away from her long before she had the emotional, sociological, or developmental capacity to understand who and what he would be to her. How amazing. I can't help but relate this to our spiritual lives. How often do we find ourselves unable to recognize how our Great God is meeting us. He meets us in the ordinary. He meets us in the extraordinary. Every place that we don't expect him to be, he is there.

Please don't read that I consider her husband to be her savior, but instead see her unawareness of his presence. May we pause and confess our inabilities to recognize the presence of the Holy Spirit in situations that feel mundane and secular. May we learn to see the kingdom come!

Soundtrack: Been there before, Hanson

no where I'd rather be...

I drove up to my house tonight, and there it was. Sigh. The most beautiful sight I could hope to see... the twelve most important people in my life were all playing in my parents' front yard. They were laughing and enjoying one another, and then to top it off family member number 13, Allie- the 23 month old saw my car and she stopped what she was doing to clap. She was applauding my arrival, the completion of our little clan. Joy comes sometimes in the smallest of moments, but that was one of mine: My family enjoying the rare opportunity to spend mindless time together is more beautiful than I can describe. God hard wires us to want to be close to the ones we love. It's one of the tools he uses to help us understand the mystery of the Trinitarian relationship to which we are invited.

Sound track:
Zip a Dee Doo Dah, Bing Crosby.

Backpack - FYI

Earlier I instituted a new element to this blog called "soundtrack" where I list songs that are related to the post. Simmilarly, books affect me, and I hope to influence you toward the way God has shaped me through the books I have read. Therefore, in the future if a post was strongly shaped by a book or books I will list the theoretical contents of my backpack.

Soundtrack: Read my Mind, The Killers