Missionary?

As I have prepared for seminary I have discussed my plans with dozens, possibly hundreds of people. And there seems to be a theme in the questions that they ask me. Some will ask if I want to preach, and that doesn't phase me. Most frequently I am asked whether I want to be a missionary. How unusual. However, even when I have explained that I want to teach, they still ask if I want to teach over seas. This is not the first time in my life that people have asked me if I feel called to missions. The YWAMers in Vancouver all had separate discussions with me. Mark and Krista Harris discussed this with me. Kirk and Nicole regularly discuss this with me. Most everyone that I met both times I visited them in Ghana asked me if I too felt called to missions. I know I am gifted at cross cultural ministry. As I began to write this entry I felt tears running down my cheek. I am hitting a big truth for my life. However, I am struck by the lack of vision I have. I sense a vacancy in this realization.

When I went to NYC for my birthday I had begun to pray that God would reveal the next major chapter in my life. I had just clarified a relationship that I thought would lead to romance, possibly even marriage. He was committed to Savannah and looking to live a small life. I am not. I have always been charmed by the big city, and the possibility of living close to my best friend thrilled me. I kept expecting God to hit me over the head with a plan or an assurance that NYC was to be my next home. He didn't. I picked out a church to visit, and it was all wrong. I even met someone in the film industry, and I was disgusted by her lifestyle. I got a strong sense that if I do get to live in New York, it will not be alone. The struggles that I would experience in that city would require a home base support. I will not live there as a single girl, but only could live there as a married woman. That door is closed to me right now.

Similarly, I have noticed that when people ask me about missions I can not simply say "No." I feel like I must include a caveat. I feel obligated to give a conditional response. I always say that you never know God's plans for your life. I have a similar feeling about missions that I feel about NYC. The struggles that I would experience, the joys that I would enjoy need to be shared. That is a life I personally can not live as a single gal. If I am to live as a missionary, I have not been granted that word yet because it is not a word for me, it is a word for us, whomever the other half of that us may be. That door too is closed to me right now. But, I am freely admitting that I see that door in my life's room of choices.

I am fortunate enough that the major choicies and major self identifing characteristics in my life have been accompanied by supernatural spiritually significant intervention. I am used to the Lord making clear what I am to do with my life.

I must consider whether these feelings are an expression of my admiration of Kirk and my desires to be like him. This is a reality that I have had to consider throughout my adult life. What motivates me? I make choices carefully to ensure correct motives. Kirk and I grew up in the same missions minded church and went to the same missions minded college ministry and we both grew up traveling freely. It makes sense that we would both be conditioned to similar professions.

So, I wait. I am open. I am willing to do as God wills with my life. I am eager to discover the next "next chapter" in my life.

Soundtrack: Your Love is Deep, Jami Smith