I started seminary about a month ago. It has brought to light some of my old demons. I find myself doing everything I can to avoid studying. I have this sense of anxiety when it comes to my school work, but I know God is with me. I know I am following a sense of calling, but I daily struggle with questions of adequacy and authority and legitiamcy. Even when I am sucessful, I am overwhelmed by how good God is to me. I look at my assignments, and initially I feel a wave of difficulty. I toss in the surf, and somehow when I quiet myself to being present with the assignment, it happens effortlessly. I pray that I will learn to submit to God's peace with greater ease as I forge ahead. I hear myself complain about circumstances, and I am aware of the toxicity of it. I feel myself avoiding the work of it all, and I and hate it. I listen to the whispers in the dark instead of nesting my head against the heartbeat of my heavenly Father.

Trinity, Jennifer Knapp

The Gas Station

A few weeks ago I wasn't feeling well so I stopped by the gas station to get some ginger-ale. This was just days after the election, so racial relations had been on my mind. I had on dress pants and heels. I walked to the back of the gas station to look for ginger-ale. I didn't see any, so I started searching all the cases. I realized that it was in the case behind an African American woman who was standing there filling out a lottery ticket. I was happy to wait until she was done, but then she did the strangest thing. She moved out of the way. And the look she gave me was peculiar. I can only compare it to the look I would get when I was in Ghana. It was a look of entitlement, not of my assertion, but of her giving. It disturbed me. At this time in our nation's history we have come too far for me to be given special treatment for my skin color. I wanted her to believe that she had every right to be standing there as I did. How do we change the way people perceive themselves? Is the real fight against discrimination in the mind of those who were once oppressed. Opportunity is widely available to African Americans in America. And, yet for this woman we were as segregated as it was in 1950. I have grown up in a world of integration. I see my African American peers as peers. I do not expect preferential treatment over them. Her behavior struck me as unusual and unfortunate. Is this true? Is it unusual. I am certain that it is indeed unfortunate. I don't know if it is unusual. I consider the election of Barack Obama as opportunity for the African American community to raise up and let go of the lie that they are not entitled to every liberty afforded all in our great country.

I had accumulated a list of topics about which I was going to write, however, after time passing and greater reflection on those topics, I realized that most of them were not noteworthy. This fact is noteworthy for my growing understanding of blogging! Not everything I think is profound will maintain that sense. Giving topics a couple of days to bounce around in my head can be a good thing. Often, if I think it is important NOW it goes in my journal, but that probably should not be the case for blogging.

Soundtrack: Free at Last, DC Talk

The beginning of something decidedly progressive.

I find myself wondering why I never ventured into the blogesphere. I am reminded of those few years between accepting God's calling to be a writer and my freshman year of college when I began journaling. It is so obvious, but as is true with most things in my life, it must be right for me. I am diligent to wait for the authentic moment for all things and I hate feeling coerced into anything. So, here I am, writing a blog because no one told me to do it and the moment felt right in my life. Similar to my journey toward journaling I sense a season of growing pains. I don't plan on telling anyone about this blog for weeks... maybe months. I need some time to work out how this fits into my life and how my process fits into the forum. I have only ever written for myself in my journal or for a very specific purpose, either to be published or to turn into a professor. This in between stage of technically public private thoughts is new to me. I don't self edit in my journal. I flow. And, I pour over the items that I am turning in or submitting. I am excited about stretching myself to find a new medium, but a little apprehensive about how it will function. Even now, I am missing the thesaurus function I use so much for papers and I am experiencing the pausing to think as disruptive to my typical journaling rhythm.

So, for those of you that do not know the story of Jill Sims, the writer... here it is. I was 15 and sitting in my freshman English class. You know the one where you watch the old version of Romeo and Juliet. My teacher allowed us 10 minutes at the beginning of class everyday to free read. I was reading Max Lucado's No Wonder They Call Him the Savior and I finished a chapter. It struck me that in this quiet moment at Heritage High School I was moved by words that were probably written years prior to my freshman year and word that were written by a man that lives in Texas. How beautiful the Holy Spirit that is indeed one Spirit in all believers! The Spirit that inspired those words for Max spoke to my heart in that moment. I breathed a prayer, "I want to do that." In that moment, I saw myself sitting at a desk, an L-shaped desk, typing. Two children ran into the room saying, "Mommy, mommy!" As I daydreamed my ideal life, writing from home and raising children, the Spirit said to my heart, "You can do this." It has been a long journey marked with God's pursuit to free me of myself and my bizarre fear of success. A few years later as I began to allow the faith of this promise God gave to me to seep into my being, I read 2 Timothy 2:15. I knew that was the Word's explanation for my calling. The words "workman" and "truth" haunted me. I have watched many friends and acquaintances that were uneasy allowing me to become their friend because of their misunderstanding of my Jesus, struggle with understanding our mysterious faith in juxtaposition to our culture. They need someone versed in culture crafting, or working, the truth into the language they speak. Now, I know my calling is not unique to myself, but I am excited to be apart of what God is saying to this generation. The thing about this verse that really helped me understand what my vocation would be was the restraint. First, "Present yourself approved to God." I must be submitted to God, yielded to the Spirit's voice, allowing Him to speak through me. "As a workman." Creativity is still God's nature. He is always creative, always crafting. "Who does not need to be ashamed." Ultimately, if I have followed the instructions given at the beginning of the verse, I have no reason to be unashamed. What I am saying/writing is His and therefore good. As we know from Romans, we are not to be unashamed of the gospel. And, the more I study scripture and fall deeper and deeper in love with the Lord, I realize that all truth points toward the truth of the gospel, and therefore no reason for shame. "Handling accurately the word of truth." Again, I am reminded to be careful with the truth and nothing I write can be intentionally contrary to what is True with a big T.

When I was searching for the verse online, I pulled up the Message version. I like the way it is worded... I am including vs. 14-about 17

14-18Repeat these basic essentials over and over to God's people. Warn them before God against pious nitpicking, which chips away at the faith. It just wears everyone out. Concentrate on doing your best for God, work you won't be ashamed of, laying out the truth plain and simple. Stay clear of pious talk that is only talk. Words are not mere words, you know. If they're not backed by a godly life, they accumulate as poison in the soul.

Last summer my parents invited me to plan a trip for the 3 of us. I chose Gran Rapids, MI. Many of you will recognize that Grand Rapids is the home of Mars Hill Bible Church. Rob Bell is the lead teacher at Mars Hill, and for years he has inspired me with his words. I wanted to see how the community he teaches lives and worships. The weeks leading up to the trip I spent a lot of time asking God to reveal the next chapter in my life. I wanted Him to say that I would be moving to Grand Rapids because the idea of living in a community that is so full of passion excited me. On the plane I was reading a book by this guy. I am choosing not to disclose either name. I got so irritated because some of what he was saying was true - with a little t, but I couldn't handle the way he said things. I became annoyed with the fact that he got to publish a book and I had not, yet. I turned the book over to see why. He was a professor in religion at a well known university. Immediately I knew. I recognized the path behind me as I turned that proverbial bend in the road leading towards teaching. It is not normal to read Bonhoeffer or Lewis or Tozer on your lunch break as a receptionist. It is not normal to take meticulous notes on Entertainment Weekly's movie previews. It is not normal to keep a job under utilizing your skills in order to continue leading Young Life for some exceptional high school students because each opportunity to give the talk charges you in a way that is electric. It is not normal behavior, but it does prepare one to teach and write about the relationship between theology and culture. That's the plan. I hope you will travel this journey with me. Pray for me. Pray with me. Share in what God is doing for our generation. I hope to not disappoint. But, I'm gonna let you in on a secret. I don't do this for you. I do it for Him, and hopefully He will ultimately do it through me. May I always be a workman of truth.

Soundtrack: Blessed Assurance and One Pure and Holy Passion, One Day Live and Take my Life, Chris Tomlin